The demons are nothing if not persistent. They’re always with me…lurking in the background of shadows and forgotten regrets. Even in the most glorious of days, they never truly go away.
Mixed feelings arise always. The demons have brought excruciating pain, so I want them to go away. Yet, the demons have always been around, there beside me when no other soul would walk along my chosen path.
Enemies…companions…is it possible to be both? Those demons are all I have ever known. From an age too young to know, they were there. They waited patiently for me to grow and be exposed to the darker side of the world around me.
The demons saw an opportunity to create a monster. They amplified the imperfect scenes of my childhood. They made those moments stick and seethe in my soul as I grew older. They planted the seed of hate watched it fester and flourish until I began to know no other emotion.
Then a sickness started to swirl deep in my bones. It started small. But the demons, they were patient and persistent. They knew this small illness would develop rapidly into a lifelong turmoil. An eternal war within my body.
They sat there, watching. Silent. Smiling, as my suffering expanded with each failure to stop the sickness.
They were proud. They lead me to destruction while watching nearby. Never too far away. Never letting me leave their line of sight.
They have haunted me every moment of my existence. Losing them…pushing them away…it’s almost the equivalent of severing a portion of my own soul. The demons are me. I am them. I created them. What purpose do they serve other than feeding an addiction I developed as a young girl?
I want to destroy them. How do I destroy them without destroying myself?
I write for self and sanity. I journal each day, religiously, with a pen and paper. It’s private, and no other soul will ever be allowed to touch my pages as long as I am living.
So why the sudden platform? Why did I create a blog and start throwing out daily thoughts for the public to read?
Being alone is not always ideal. I’ve been alone most of my life in a journey of a vicious cycle, recovery, and depression. From time to time, it’s nice to hear that someone else is struggling with the same issues I am. It’s a warm feeling to know that others exist out in the world who have fought similar battles.
I would never wish suffering upon others just to feel I have companions, but I know that I’m not the only person on earth with problems. It’s comforting to find people who know what it’s like to battle for our own souls. To work endlessly to end a disorder that’s been lingering for years.
That’s why I’m writing. If there’s anyone out there who feels the same way I do, I want to meet and connect. I want to talk and have conversations and feel that I’ve found a friend for these journeys of life.
We are not alone. I am not alone. You are not alone. We live in this modern society of connecting across country lines and beyond the normal boundaries, thanks to the internet and social media. We no longer have to feel that we are the only person battling these disparities.
I am writing to reach out. I want to hear stories from others – whether happy or grim. I want to hear, I want to read, I want to connect.
Please – if there’s anyone out there willing to talk and share, I’m all ears.
This is a Safe Place to Speak
I’m walking down the road at a relaxed pace. It’s a sunny day in spring. Everything is green. Plush, green, fresh. Like a new day after a night full of terrors. The winter is gone. Flowers bloom in every yard. Grass is being mowed continuously as the plants flourish. It smells so good, so full of life. Full of hope following the cold. I’ve been craving a day like this for months, so much that the light brings tears to my eyes.
And the sun – it’s blinding, it’s calming, and it’s warm. My skin soaks in every ray, seeking no shade. A slight breeze moves the leaves, but the day is otherwise silent. Or maybe I’ve just tuned everything else out – the cars and voices of the neighborhood, leaving the chirps of birds and swaying branches to create a song of nature in my mind.
Today is a good day, a day I see the sun without squinting. I feel no need to run and hide inside, in the shadows. I actually see the light and breathe with ease. Without pain. My filter of gray is absent today. Though it might return tomorrow, that will have to wait. In this moment, my eyes seek sunlight- pure, unaltered, genuine rays of sunshine. No gray. No shadows. If only for today, it was worth the wait. Worth suffering through the burning tears of agony that came on the coldest nights over the previous months. I always pushed through, because I knew another day of sun would eventually come.
And on the next day of gloom doom, I’ll think back to this day. I’ll remember what it was like to see the sun in her true purity. Solar strength to last through the blackest, coldest, gray. I love you, Sun. You save me.