Imbedded since childhood, grown by unalterable loyalty to a powerful, glorified institution, this was a dream worth pursuing. It was everything I had ever longed for, including the rough lifestyle, major commitment, and unarguable glory from almost everyone in the country.
It was right for me and I was perfect for it. There wasn’t a more dedicated heart in existence. Yet they saw the darkness that’s haunted me for years and judged me harshly. All the purity and goodness in my soul are pushed aside and forgotten because of the scars on my skin. The perfect grades, the physical preparedness, the pure soul and compassion – none of that matters when they take a peak at the medical history.
It’s too bad, really. They wouldn’t have found anyone more loyal and dedicated. And I’m not sure I’ll ever find anything more inline with who I’ve always wanted to become. We are meant for each other, but because of modern rules and regulations, we will forever be apart. It feels so right, but it can never be reality. The rules are understandable to a point, yet in a way, archaic. Who hasn’t done what I’ve done? I’m being punished for being honest where others lie to gain access to the institution.
Movies are partially to blame, along with a childhood role model that influenced a young, hopeful brain. I had far to go and many challenges to face before the opportunity arose. By then, it was too late. I survived the worst of an internal storm, but not without losing something I can never get back, not without doing things I can never undo. At that young age I sealed a fate of being forced to live without the dream I’d always wanted. I made the choice – not the doctors, not my parents. It’s on me.
The choice was between living a normal life with a normal brain or choosing to pursue my dream. I chose the former option and let go of my aspirations.