Returning to Reality – Losing the Power of Choice

Is it just me?, life

I fear that going back to a normality is near. So now I must prepare to say goodbye to endless free time.

But my animosity and fear are not about free time, are they? God knows I have far too much of that free time. Too much time to sit and think about the end of times and the purpose of all life in the universe.

A routine would do me some good, no one will deny that truth. A regular schedule to keep me accountable and productive, while making money at the same time – what could be the downside?

The thoughts that scare me involve choice. Normality will take my choices away. No more freedom. No more waking up and deciding what to do today based on feelings and desire. 

If I want to stay in bed today or drive four hours to the coast, I can. I could even do a little bit of both. I don’t necessarily want to travel to see a wonder of the world today, but I could if the urge overtook me. I could, and that’s the point. I wouldn’t have to ask for time off, wait for approval from a boss, or hold onto my urges until the weekend comes. That’s what it means to be free, right? Waking up to whatever horizon I decide, in the moment?

Though freedom comes with free time. Time to…consider all things, all possibilities, all theories of the universe and the bubbles of other universes potentially surrounding it. I enjoyed it at first, but now…I think way too much about how I’ll never amount to anything worth writing about.

Knowing the benefits of working and having a set schedule again don’t make returning any easier. I’ll miss having a choice. Whether I take advantage of having a choice is my business, and it doesn’t matter. I want it, and I can’t stand the thought of letting it go.

Reality is soon to return, and my freedom of choice will be a concept of the past.

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Scar in the Field

We Choose to Be Alone

Is it just me?, life, Poems, This is Why I Don't Have Friends

There’s safety in numbers, but comfort in being alone. Let us walk down the darkest alleys one by one, facing the shadows with no one to stand at our side. It doesn’t scare us because our entire lives have been filled with fighting demons without friends, without support or sanity. 

Alone is comfortable. Alone is safe. Alone is free of commitment. 

“You shouldn’t spend so much time alone.” Well, what do they know? They’ve never battled hounds of hell with their hands alone. No advice to follow, no pride to swallow. They had an army, we had the lonely souls hidden under our skin. Someone was always there to hold their hands, provide a shoulder to cry on, and an open heart. to share the pain. 

Of course, we wanted this at first. We wondered how much more tolerable our internal wars would have been with friends and teammates – even with just one friend, one teammate, one single set of eyes to tear up with in the darkest moments. Somewhere along the line, we stopped yearning for help. We accepted our fate to always be alone and embraced it. Would cried, we grieved, and then we picked ourselves up from the stone cold floor. We stood taller, stronger, smarter. All the more wise for our transgressions.

Never blame us for wanting to be alone, fight alone, and live entirely without contact with others. We were trained to face our fate. Conditioned to the cold silence of wondering through a vicious war with little life in our lungs. This is what they made us. This is who they told us we would always be. We survived and grew up in adversity.

We want to be alone. We feel safest when we peacefully pace around through an empty parade of stares and silence.

Don’t feel sorry for us. We choose to be alone.

person standing near lake

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