Returning to Reality – Losing the Power of Choice

Is it just me?, life

I fear that going back to a normality is near. So now I must prepare to say goodbye to endless free time.

But my animosity and fear are not about free time, are they? God knows I have far too much of that free time. Too much time to sit and think about the end of times and the purpose of all life in the universe.

A routine would do me some good, no one will deny that truth. A regular schedule to keep me accountable and productive, while making money at the same time – what could be the downside?

The thoughts that scare me involve choice. Normality will take my choices away. No more freedom. No more waking up and deciding what to do today based on feelings and desire. 

If I want to stay in bed today or drive four hours to the coast, I can. I could even do a little bit of both. I don’t necessarily want to travel to see a wonder of the world today, but I could if the urge overtook me. I could, and that’s the point. I wouldn’t have to ask for time off, wait for approval from a boss, or hold onto my urges until the weekend comes. That’s what it means to be free, right? Waking up to whatever horizon I decide, in the moment?

Though freedom comes with free time. Time to…consider all things, all possibilities, all theories of the universe and the bubbles of other universes potentially surrounding it. I enjoyed it at first, but now…I think way too much about how I’ll never amount to anything worth writing about.

Knowing the benefits of working and having a set schedule again don’t make returning any easier. I’ll miss having a choice. Whether I take advantage of having a choice is my business, and it doesn’t matter. I want it, and I can’t stand the thought of letting it go.

Reality is soon to return, and my freedom of choice will be a concept of the past.

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Scar in the Field

Every Dream Is A Nightmare

Is it just me?, life

Dreams…a fascinating concept yet to be fully explained or deconstructed by science. They’re something we all experience but never understand. Dreams can be entertaining, confusing, nonsensical, forgotten, or completely horrifying. 

The good dreams…those are the ones I never want to wake up from. Those are the ones where I look down and see messages on my phone from that one person, the one I’ll miss until I die. The good dreams are when I’m practicing my fantasy career, on a perfect planet far from this earth, and flying through clouds of cotton beyond the surface of the sky.

I enjoy the good dreams. But because they’re only dreams, giving me a false taste of what I’ll never have in reality, I’d prefer for them to…stop. Stop messing with me. Stop teasing about amazing fictional lives and making me want to sleep forever. 

Nightmares…those are scary. Terrifying. And when you wake up, you’re relieved. Not sad about this boring reality. Not wishing and wanting more. But relieved. It’s an amazing feeling to go from being chased by a malicious demon to waking up to a cuddly kitten, in the matter of a few seconds. 

Give me nightmares. Let me run for my life with sweaty palms and a racing heart. Let me battle zombies and horrendous creatures so that I can wake up feeling accomplished and safe within my real, mundane world.

I’m done with the false dream perfection that I feel when I have wonderful night fantasies.

Dreams…What do they mean? Do they mean anything worth analyzing? Are they memories of previous lives like my Grandma claims? Or, premonitions? Are dreams messages and feelings from the mysterious unconscious brain? 

Whatever or whoever you are, dream world, whatever you’re trying to accomplish – please quit screwing with my brain. It’s already insane enough. 

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Vultures over Cedar Creek Lake

Fading Faces

Is it just me?, life, Poems, stories

It’s the most important face in your life for quite a long time. It finds its way into every passing thought and daydream. It makes you happy, then it makes you sad, it breaks your heart then heals it. There is a god and a devil mixed into that one single human face. So all encompassing, an obsession. Addiction. Dependency develops quickly and the thought of living without that face is the scariest possible future outcome.

And one day…that face leaves. Never to return. All that’s left are the memories, both good and bad. Your heart is broken. That face…it remains in the brain and haunts you night and day. You begin to think you might die without it. Part of you even wants to die rather than never see that face again. Pain.

Suffering. Deep, dark, sadistic suffering that endures through even the most glorious of moments.

The day eventually comes when you’re forced to either end it all or get the hell out of bed and back into the world. So you choose to live and let go. The process of healing begins. 

One day at a time.

After awhile, something truly magical happens – that face begins to fade. You begin to complete entire days without seeing that face pop into your present mind. Before you know it, you see it in a passing thought and think, “Wow, I haven’t thought of you in some time.”

The heart mends itself as long as you give it the chance to recover.

Years later you go through old photos on a USB you found in the closet. You see that face pop up and barely even remember it – the way it sounded, the way it walked – it was such a long time ago.

That face – that one face you thought would never leave your heart and soul, the one you thought you could never live without, the one that haunted you for endless sleepless nights – that face has faded into the old memories of forgotten days.

With time, like magic, a face will fade.

Version 2

The only cow that would look my way.

Everything and Everyone in this Existence

Is it just me?, life, Poems, stories, This is Why I Don't Have Friends

Everyone is someone, which means that no one is anyone. You might be nobody to everyone else, while no one means more to me than you. All the other ‘someones’ are no one. They fade to dust, you grow into perfection in front of my imperfect eyes.

Everyone wants to talk, but no one has anything to say. Ramble on. About what? No one and nothing of any importance to anyone with a mind of his/her own. Yet, every sound you make – it’s perfect sense. Nothing could be more beautiful. 

Everyone has the answers, but no one knows the truth. You – you are the truth, the only truth anyone should ever care to know. Someone has the answers out there, but no one should care about those answers. You are the answer.

Everyone is ONE individual world full of emotion, loss, happiness, pain, and perception. A single planet trapped inside anyone with a brain and beating heart. Your world is mine, mine is yours. Everyone’s planet is filled with someone of importance, but no one of reality. 

Who are you? And who am I? Answers will vary. Answers mean nothing. Perception is the god of our universe.

Who are you, to you? Because to me, you are the world. The world inside me dissolves into nothing when you come around. My world, here in my heart, I give it to you. Every inch, mile, and memory – all to you. The organs inside my chest are replaced with thoughts and images of your face. You are everything and everyone I’ll ever care to know.

Am I real? Do I exist? I exist as much as anyone else in my mind. As long as you exist, then I know I am real. You are reality, the only reality that I’ll ever care to live inside of.

Thank. you, eternally, for existing.

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Wow

The Magic of “One Day…”

Is it just me?, life, stories

They are standing in the kitchen discussing the new house they’ll build in a few years, “when the time is right.” Their excitement is feeding off each other’s enthusiasm. They each have a list of what they want in the new home. She wants a larger kitchen. He wants a barn in the backyard and space for a garden. They both agree that a porch surrounding the entire home is a must. They have a notepad filled with sketches of floor plans to discuss and debate. 

The possibility of selling the current home and building a new one from the ground up gives them hope. They found a reason to push through the daily jobs they despise. Hope – whether false or not. It’s hope, and it helps their spirits to endure through arduous times. 

How many hopes and dreams are built off of a future endeavor? How often do we repeat the words, “I’ll be happy when….or if…this happens.” And, “until that comes, I’m holding out for better days.” Because better days have to exist, right? Otherwise, what are we all waiting for? Something more than what our lives consist of now must be making its journey here, as we speak. That’s why we suffer, isn’t it? To hopefully have a brighter future.

Will this dream house out in the country ever come to fruition? Will she get her kitchen, and he his barn? In truth, the outcome is irrelevant. Maybe this will happen, and maybe it won’t. That’s not important. What matters is they have hope and a reason to fight for their dreams. That notepad full of ideas – that’s where the source of their current happiness lies.

Hope for the amazing events to come is more powerful than the events themselves. Whether they come or not, they did their job. They gave us hope that one day, things could be better.

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County Road 2160

Head in the Clouds

Is it just me?, life, Metaphors in Nature, This is Why I Don't Have Friends

Hours upon hours of fresh, local and international news plays constantly on television and radio everyday. Newspapers and magazines overload us with current affairs and celebrity life events. 

For many people, keeping up with the latest news across the globe is a daily duty. Watch some news channels with morning coffee, read the newspaper at lunch, pick up a magazine on the weekends – it’s normal and pretty much expected of all adults. 

And then there’s the people like me. The ones who are caught up in the irrelevant mysteries of the multiverse, the purpose of all life on the planet, and the new season of Doctor Who. The people who don’t have a clue what’s going on in the real world because there’s a multitude of science fiction left to discover before our final doom comes into play.

It’s important to know all species that exist in the Star Wars Extended Universe, all theories of space beyond the view of the most powerful telescope, and to finish every Halo novel that’s ever been published. 

‘Current affairs’ for people like us doesn’t include discussions on trade with China or tax reduction plans. No, for us, what needs to be discussed is the reunion of Captain Picard and the rest of The Next Generation Enterprise crew.

Shouldn’t I pay attention to what’s happening around me? Why? It’s not like I have the power to stop wars or elect political leaders myself. I can’t solve world hunger or fix the pollution crisis. Better people than me have tried. So I prefer to keep my head in the clouds. Life is too short to stress about things I could never hope to help. I dream of space travel and hanging out with alien species across galactic barriers, venturing below the surface of the ocean and discovering Atlantis.

What’s really going on? Who really ever knows the truth.

I’ll keep my head in the clouds. It’s where I belong.

white cumulus clouds

Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

Demons – Friends or Foes?

Is it just me?, life, Poems

The demons are nothing if not persistent. They’re always with me…lurking in the background of shadows and forgotten regrets. Even in the most glorious of days, they never truly go away. 

Mixed feelings arise always. The demons have brought excruciating pain, so I want them to go away. Yet, the demons have always been around, there beside me when no other soul would walk along my chosen path.

Enemies…companions…is it possible to be both? Those demons are all I have ever known. From an age too young to know, they were there. They waited patiently for me to grow and be exposed to the darker side of the world around me.

The demons saw an opportunity to create a monster. They amplified the imperfect scenes of my childhood. They made those moments stick and seethe in my soul as I grew older. They planted the seed of hate watched it fester and flourish until I began to know no other emotion.

Then a sickness started to swirl deep in my bones. It started small. But the demons, they were patient and persistent. They knew this small illness would develop rapidly into a lifelong turmoil. An eternal war within my body.

They sat there, watching. Silent. Smiling, as my suffering expanded with each failure to stop the sickness.

They were proud. They lead me to destruction while watching nearby. Never too far away. Never letting me leave their line of sight.

They have haunted me every moment of my existence. Losing them…pushing them away…it’s almost the equivalent of severing a portion of my own soul. The demons are me. I am them. I created them. What purpose do they serve other than feeding an addiction I developed as a young girl?

I want to destroy them. How do I destroy them without destroying myself?

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